Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.

One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.

When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.

I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.

Well played, little dude. Well played.

my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree

Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.

Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.

Women aren’t hard to read

For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out

You’re done bro

ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT

Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.

Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally

Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew

landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard

waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?

me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.

[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.

My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.

Very weird.

Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”

*hands a turd to the teacher

Teacher: What’s this?!

Me: My dog ate my homework.

Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but don’t put your eye makeup on before you start chopping onions

just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers

why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays

Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?

Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*

Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …

*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now

dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do

I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.

Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:

You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone

Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.

[dinner date]

me: here, let me get the door for you

her: no I got it

me: ffs it’s MY microwave

*visits random websites just for the cookies*

You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.