Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
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So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
Cat 1: hey let’s have a big fight and trash this place
Cat 2: ok, but let’s wait till the human is in a deep sleep for maximum effect
Cat 1: smart. imma barf between the couch cushions while he’s brushing his teeth tho
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
If you’re trying to impress me with your vehicle it better be a food truck.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait