Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.

[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.

today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower

Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear

I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought

I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.

A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”

When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”

I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song

IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me

Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.

Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.

Science memes

Met another guy who lost his left leg. He’s a cool guy. We make a right pair

Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*

Therapist: You’re late again

Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH

When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.

People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.

[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.

I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.

“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”

I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.

vegan guy : im so hungry
horse : [calmly] how hungry

How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people

Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off

My wife says the kids look just like their father…

…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do

If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.

Two sheep walk into a baaaaa.

Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!

“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”

Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?

*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*

This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?