Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”

That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”

me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in

You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.

-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…

I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great

We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”

My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs

this is the greatest thing ever

I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy

A little boy just said thank you after taking a sweet and then wished me a very enthusiastic merry Christmas

My mom texting me from an anime convention

The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.

grandparents are too precious for this world

These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…

…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.

there should be a reverse halloween where ghosts and monsters dress up as people and knock on doors yelling “math or medicine!”

When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.

Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby

Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after

Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy

[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”

[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS

*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want one

My ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?

Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”

4-year-old: Dad?

Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.

4:

Me:

4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?

Now I’m awake.

A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”

Free will is good, but free pizza is better.

boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem

me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally

I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.

*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*

I won’t say anything if you don’t.

*continues rummaging*

[first day as a wizard]

me: babe I said I was sorry

frog: >:(

He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”