Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?

Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.

the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like

I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!

You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.

What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?

You have a polkageist.

I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.

So when rioters are just practicing the rioting do they use Molotov mocktails?

5 ways to appear taller

[First day as a driving instructor]

“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”

me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—

whoville 911: what was that

me: the grinch robbed me

whoville 911: no the weird part

When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said

team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special

meowth: hey

team rocket: we need it

meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk

team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do

Meowth: guys

team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love

idk what this dog had been going through but same

Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”

The first matador

you could not pay me to delete this app

At my job interview today the Boss said,

“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”

So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”

We cannot all be trying to head home at 5:00PM. We have to start going home in groups

ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.

Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.

My so-called “friends” have asked that I stop referring to them that way.

I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started

Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”

Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls

Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes

Me: why

Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you

The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.

since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void

Accidentally saying Yes I would like a receipt and having to wait half an hour while the kiln is heated and the tablet is fired

15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?

Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*

Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.

You are welcome.