Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this

Her: all the food?

Me: no this penguin

I’m so full I could puke a horse

[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]

Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”

It’s called TALL, you little shit.

surely this is the hangover that will teach me my lesson

I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.

me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?

some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”

Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.

They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.

Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.

Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.

*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in this

Nurse: you’re not a patient here

Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!

Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face

Prince Charming:

Friend:

Prince Charming: she left her shoe

It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.

For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.

interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?

me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbook

interviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?

me:
that’s not what i said

Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.

What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast?

A synonym roll.

If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.

I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off

Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.

“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”

Him: I hate how things ended. Don’t be mad at me.

Me: I’m not mad. About that or anything.

Him: Good! I didn’t want you thinking I was an asshole.

Me: No, I haven’t been thinking about you at all really.

Him: Ok, well, somehow that’s worse but thanks.

I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.

Husbands and wives who never fight,

How does your house get cleaned?

If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name

Me: Hey Mom!

My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time

Me: Wha-

Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!

Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.

The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini

*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*

ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?

DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego