Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
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Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
🙋♀️
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
mentally somewhere in italy
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around