KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
What’s your favorite song about not being able to touch this?
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
