Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.

My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days

Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.

“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”

Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT

He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.

Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶

Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁

inappropriate Care Bears be like:

#oldknees

anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after

One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!

When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”

Me:

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– you, because no matter how many times they deleted you from their contacts, the goddamn cloud brought you back

Genie: You have 3 wishes.

Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.

Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.

Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.

Genie: You sonofa-

If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.

I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…

My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.

It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.

I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting

pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere

Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!

*blam!*

And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.

let’s discuss

Me: Have you been following the H1B stuff? My wife: No, what happened? Did it mutate to infect humans?

I watched The First Omen last night and I spent most of it hiding behind the sofa. I didn’t want my neighbour to see me in her living room.

gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that

me: will do

[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]

me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports

her dad: that’s right

me: why

Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road

On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.

Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.

Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends

[meeting my gf’s parents]

gf: just please be serious

me: ok

[later]

gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now

me: I DID MY WAITING

gf: oh no

me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT

gf: please

me: IN AZKABAN