KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
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Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
And they lived apathetically ever after.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
I’m up at 5 am, knocking things off my to do list before half of you are even awake. Get on my level
Yup!
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
i just got an email from our hr department informing us that, “regrettably”, our office has become “inundated” with raccoons and as of this morning, after an incident where one raccoon fell thru the ceiling, they’ve decided to let us work from home
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.