Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really

Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*

Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch

“I’m sick to death of people saying we’ve made 11 albums that sound exactly the same. In fact, we’ve made 12 albums that sound exactly the same.” ― Angus Young, AC/DC

Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die

Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.

I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.

drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee

21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one

Me: Delete it!

Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.

Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.

Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.

Maths meets science

I don’t work out to lose WEIGHT to look HOTTER. I work out to lose WEIGHT because my WEDDING RING has been stuck on my FINGER since 2021.

[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.

{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?

Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?

Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation

This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane

it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july

If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.

Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.

“My safe word was Worcestershire.”

— A ghost

“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?

Wife: ” What’d you do today?”

Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”

PLEASE READ

my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.

Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.

i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar

The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.

I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?

what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen

what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.

Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.