kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
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Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
me in my 20s with my 60 year old back pain
What’s your favorite song about not being able to touch this?
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’