kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
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PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
Sex is great, but have you ever started slowly picking up speed after sitting in a traffic jam?
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.