[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe
[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together
[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this
[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it
[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
Kid: I had a nightmare. There were these flowers but then they turned into clowns and they swung around this elephant and then demon faces came out and the whole time there was this awful music playing.
Cirque Du Soleil Producer: *taking notes* go on.
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It’s bad when you accidentally tell a 9 year-old child, “Stay in drugs, don’t do school” in a serious tone.
Somebody said “hey wanna eat this apple” and I said “no thanks I ate a PC for lunch”
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
Neck Tattoos: helping employers make hiring decisions since 1992.
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
You said that