@OctopusCavemann

Kid: I had a nightmare. There were these flowers but then they turned into clowns and they swung around this elephant and then demon faces came out and the whole time there was this awful music playing.

Cirque Du Soleil Producer: *taking notes* go on.

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@UncleDuke1969

[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe

[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together

[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this

[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it

[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”

@ramjitsingh_

It’s bad when you accidentally tell a 9 year-old child, “Stay in drugs, don’t do school” in a serious tone.

@codyspencer0

Somebody said “hey wanna eat this apple” and I said “no thanks I ate a PC for lunch”

@ErrenMichaels

*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook

@LurkAtHomeMom

Me: what should I do?

Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..

Me: right but like realistically

@putyoursisterd1

Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.

@Book_Krazy

Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!

8: But mom, you’re pretty.

Me: Awe thank……wait what?

@BraandoCommando

[in bed]

Me: Don’t you love being on top?

Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind

Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom

@hazelmotes1

Neck Tattoos: helping employers make hiring decisions since 1992.

@Goofpoops

Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner

I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!