grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
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Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
see you in hell you stupid fruit
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.