In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
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You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered