Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”

– if people were named like pets

Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.

[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes

Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough

Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?

Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL

i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile

Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.

Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.

When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”

My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them

[ brings ouija board to your grave ]

“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”

[doctor looking at my xrays]

doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of

me: what

doctor: skeletons

I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh

As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.

Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.

Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.

[ Pirate ship stricken with scurvy ]

Pirate: yarrrr when is life gonna be givin me those f****n’ lemons.

I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?

WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.

me: I need to speak with the megaster

megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers

Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise

My body: You’re hungry

Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness

Body: eat literally any food

Me: will I ever know peace again?

I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about

My front facing camera:

Me: I disagree.

Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”

-me, walking into the kitchen

ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”

Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene

Me: how??

[Earlier]

Me: better floss before drowning this guy

Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.

[playing the board game Guess Who]

Me: Is your person handsome?

5-year-old: No, they look like you.