Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me

[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog

DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!

Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive

Me: can I just text them

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.

8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other

dad: WAIT

me:

dad: don’t forget to take a jacket

April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox

It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.

[ explaining The Plan ]

jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs

god: look man, these ppl are idiots

My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.

If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.

My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁

[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes

My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud

“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.

It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.

When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”

Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.

Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.

Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING

Absence didn’t work what else ya got?

The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.

But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.

Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!

GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE

whoever designed giraffes was extremely high

It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime

Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…

Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained

Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you

Me: like I said, it’s trained

My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are

Suspect thinks you’re mad at them cause you used too much punctuation in your text message

me: i hate my job

gf: why don’t you try living off the land

me: like in the sky?

gf: what

me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long