Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane

Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.

2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”

The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.

The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war

I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.

On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.

guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking

Do you like vampires?

🟩 Nosferatu

✅ Yesferatu

To me, being Single means never having to apologize..

Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced

I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!

Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.

On one hand, it’s terrible to not have access to the Internet, but on the other hand, it’s terrible to have access to the Internet.

That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.

4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?

10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled

Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true

A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!

customs officer: anything to declare?

me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket

*paints car camouflage*

*stops making payments*

My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?

Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.

horrifying if literal: the electric slide

I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.

the last thing a carrot sees

some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.

cop: do you know who the murderer is?

detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead

cop: [obviously disappointed] oh

detective quasimodo: what?

cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important

“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”

*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*

*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.

Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.