kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
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[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
one last job
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
People are always saying “not today, Satan” but what if we just hear him out
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.