Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”

“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting

I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.

Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?

Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint

son: can I ask you a random question?

me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?

[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”

A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.

New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.

Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.

Friend: How old is your kid?

Me: Kid?

Netflix: we added a show you might like

Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like

Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer

Me: go on

Netflix: who fall in love

Me: that sounds ok

Netflix: starring Paul Rudd

Me: *calls in sick*

I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.

[first date]

ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?

how to exercise your calf muscles

My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.

[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy

GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right

“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.

My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?

There’s a woman in my office who is very very very obviously pregnant but she still hasn’t mentioned it and I am being SO STRONG and I refuse to ask because I will never ever ask just in case

Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?

Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.

*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?

*God invents corgis*

God: what ingredients do we have left

Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet

God: lol check this out

A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?

You’re the unreachable booger of people.

i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies

Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”

Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”

I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.

I hope Usain is training his daughter. Can’t let a name like Olympia Lightning Bolt go to waste, sorry