Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.

We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.

Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.

Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?

Truly one of the great bangers

My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.

me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite

gf: how did you get bitten by a tree

Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.

I’m not sorry.

*gets in the bus*

*Brings out earphones*

*untangles*

*arrives*

You had me at “define legal”.

If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.

Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.

Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.

If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.

We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.

It still works 🤷🏼‍♀️

Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this

Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.

Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.

Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*

My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol

Priest: That’s your eulogy?

Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming

“But dad we’re goldfish”

Oh yeah, I forgot

“Forgot what?”

As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭

“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting

Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile

May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans

I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”

A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.