Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.

Me: That just means they’ll come inside.

11: No furnace this year.

[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog

This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.

Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.

How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7

“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”

Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.

[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?

That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…

“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”

How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?

Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit

“Waitress!”

Waitress: “Sir?”

“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”

Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you

Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.

Horrifying if literal: shit storm

20s: Rage Against The Machine

30s: Rage Against Literally Everything

Just microwaved some lasagna in an office full of carb-starved women, I feel like I’m in an axe body spray commercial

shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch

What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.

I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.

Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot

Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.

Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*

Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.

Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.

My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.

PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes

[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal

Boss:my office, now!

Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter

B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint

M:Oh thank God!

[leaving for vacation]

Me: Do we have everything?

Kids: Yes!

Me: Let’s go!

[5 min up road]

Son: Dad, where’s mommy?

Me: *makes u-turn*

It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.

[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard