Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.

[laying on the office couch]

Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”

Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”

Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast

Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)

Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.

Him: I like your vest.

Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.

I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.

BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels

if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently

I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.

Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol

Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted

As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.

I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.

*job interview*

Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?

Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job

“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack

We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.

the guy who ran this museum we are in in Slovenia just talked us through how the museum worked and then said “seeing as you’re British, please don’t steal anything for your own museum”

If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.

We need more people like this.

The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”

*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”

AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!

ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.

AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.

Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook

toddler: daddy do you like this book?

me: no

toddler: *snuggles in* perfect

Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.

A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house

Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst

[arguing with my wife]

WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH

God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?

People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day

Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing