Kid: I wanna be a teenager
Teenager: I wanna be an adult
Adult: I wanna be asleep
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*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
my dads out of town and i just went over to his house to deep clean it while he’s gone and there was a lizard running around his kitchen and when i told him he was like “hell yeah that’s Kevin”
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
Genius.
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
bury ourselves