Kid: I wanna be a teenager
Teenager: I wanna be an adult
Adult: I wanna be asleep![]()
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Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Mornin
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My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
Some random person just tilled my and my neighbors’ garden sometime during the night.
I’m afraid we’re dealing with a serial tiller.
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.