Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings

ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle

Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.

Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*

me: is this vegan friendly?

waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend

love to click “no borders” on my excel spreadsheets. like hell yeah brother. one world ✌️

Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days

I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional network

LinkedIn Park

To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.

When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.

Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.

Me: Okay. *starts running*

*halley’s comet goes by*

*trainer dies of old age*

*halley’s comet passes again*

*the sun dies*

*final episode of the simpsons airs*

Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!

Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.

toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french

[grocery store, frozen aisle]

Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
Ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Clerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?

Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas

After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own

*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*

when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral

A lot of people think that the funniest people are actually the most depressed on the inside but I have a comedian friend who’s pretty depressed and he’s one of the worst comedians I know

i haven’t exaggerated in like a million years

[Thanksgiving Dinner]

“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”

“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”

I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe

Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie

People:

I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…

I’m back.

mom: what’d you do today?

christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole

mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.

Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy

Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here

Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.

[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?

you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous

Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST

the three branches of government