Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …

Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else

When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.

[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job

My dog watching me set my burrito down when I go to answer the door

Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”

One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.

Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly

Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts

EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.

That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision

-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance

Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.

I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.

“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”

Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community

Cop: This spot is for frog parking only

Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?

*gets toad*

stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen

[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that

3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*

Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?

Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.

It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.

6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?

I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids

Our middle child says we neglect him/her.

I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?

Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.

[12 minutes later]

Me: I have eaten my best friend.

CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.

If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…

The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will finally be complete

I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.

Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.

1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. Me

Things my wife doesn’t want in cider