Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
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Finally!
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
Not my job 😂
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
I was dismayed to hear the story of Rumpelstiltskin. I had no idea he was like that outside of work
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you