Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
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My husband can remember the college a football player went to, what year he was drafted, the number he was picked in the draft, and his height, but can’t remember a certain neighbor’s name no matter how many times I tell him it.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
no one:
not a soul:
my daughter: if I ever get rich I’m going to buy a family crypt for all of us because we don’t want random dead people buried around us
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
This one takes the trophy 😭😭
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
An AI comedian? The jokes write themselves.