Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
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I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
Every work meeting this week
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
A friend helps you before you need it
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
“Can we use a library meeting room?”
“What for?”
“Just a meeting.”
“Not a party?”
“No. Why would you ask that?”
“Well, the sheet cake and sleeve of red plastic solo cups does raise some questions.”
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”