Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
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I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
People keep asking me what my problem is and I think I figured it out, though it’s deep rooted and unsolvable — I just wish my name was in Mambo No. 5
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
9 out of 10 zoo dentists refuse to work on a Grizzly unless it has been given a strong anesthetic….
Ther’s safety in numb bears
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?