Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.

ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.

CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute

ME: sure of course no problem

My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.

I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.

I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.

my relationship with the mailman is pretty toxic. one day he brings me gifts and i love him 😍. the next day he brings me bills and i hate him 🤬. but he always comes back 😌

every college guy’s fridge

Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.

Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them

You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.

call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.

When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”

Eve: I’m hungry

Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe

Eve: not this again

“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013

If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.

5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!

Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]

Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!

Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?

“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”

MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze

Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!

LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name

ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack

Me: I should sleep.

Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.

[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach

It’s so cute that you’re nervous

[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?

I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.

“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”

* me, in public on more than one occasion.

God created women and the devil taught her to smile.

There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her

HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.

ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?

jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget

8yo: You’re annoying me!

10yo: No, you’re annoying me!

Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.