Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
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“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
Salad is the decaf of food.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
Boss: did you turn your office into a ball pit?
Me [rising from the bottom of the ball pit] this could’ve been an email
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting