Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning

moses: 🙂

ramses: oh you son of a-

Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂

I am, perchance

Just in case to be clear #gbbo

Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?

me: fancy a movie?

them: what do you have in mind?

me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?

them: what’s it about?

me: August 2020

You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.

It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.

[Me as a Sunday school teacher]

…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.

Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.

I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge

I have always been pro people but my god you f***ers have ground me down.

When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people

customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese

me: sorry, we only take cash

manager: can I talk to you

If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.

You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real

No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.

No, of course I’m not mad.

It’s fine.

*goes home, starts building a Death Star.

Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers

My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends

any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together

Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter

careful fellas!

when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.

What should we call this portable computer?

SOME GUY: Laptop

[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]

It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.

“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.

EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head

lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?

peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂

lost boys:

peter pan: so funny

lost boys: you’re a sociopath

I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”

I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”