Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Frat party]

Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-

CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.

A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.

[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”

ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery

Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.

[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages

Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner

Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.

She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.

It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.

I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.

I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.

a rare painting of a porcu’melon

[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator

[in prison]

me: so u guys come here often?

I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden

Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.

It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.

A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.

My kid accidentally waved down the ice cream truck, she honestly just wanted to say hello, now she’s eating ice cream, I don’t understand what just happened

[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside

Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted

I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”

[1st date]

Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…

[First Date]

I’ll just have a salad.

[Second Date]

*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*

Seems a bit forward

i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together

mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night

inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma

3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?

me: they’re lights

3: no I mean the spirits in front of them

me:

me:

me:

3: what’s for dinner

I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.