KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
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realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
if i spend $45 or less for the remainder of this year i should be good
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
All I’m saying is you know it’s been a successful Thanksgiving when your clothes no longer fit.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
Hey babe, are you my 47th open browser tab, because you are not responding
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.