Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die

*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*

the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear

My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.

In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.

My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be

Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.

Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.

Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.

I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.

i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.

Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?

Hey, fellas

My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.

sneaking out of costco with extra samples like

Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath

I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.

I hope google does well on my son’s test

I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.

#RubbishJokes #DadJokes

I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.

Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.

If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.

I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.

People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.

I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”

I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.

if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet

For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman

I stood for an entire general admission concert at age 46, will my prize be mailed to me or…

Every night at bedtime I do one small ritual: six hours on my cell phone