KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
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No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
jacob when he finds out that his love interest is bella’s literal baby
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
Ants can be found on every continent except Antarctica, which is weird considering their name.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
Comparing yourself to others
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo