Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”

If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.

the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls

Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo

If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.

I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.

Me: A storm is coming

My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?

Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.

I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic

I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.

Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.

Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water

Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever

My suitcase was 1 pound overweight at bag check so i smiled sweetly at the ticket agent to get away with it… Yall that man said “idk what you doing that for… i got all my teeth too” 😂😂😂

Why does laundry happen to good people?

[blind date]

HER: I recently found Jesus

ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?

“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me

cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me

me: no go away

cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad

In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will

People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”

First day as a 911 operator:

“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”

if there is a particular food you would like your children to eat less, just go buy a massive box of it at Costco

[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”

Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.

Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.

I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end

During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter

It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.

Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”

House sitting for friends while they’re out of town. Never knew Rob kept a diary.

We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.

Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!