Kid: I’m starting to think you love your garden more than us.
Me: Wow. That’s. Just wow. I mean… *glances back at plants to make sure they’re not listening*
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That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
i’m trying to quit making sexual innuendos but it’s so hard
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
heard that the average person swallows eight spiders in their sleep a year
rookie numbers
my personal best was 49 back in ’11
the secret? look for and eat the spiders while you’re awake
no one ever thinks of that
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…