Kid: I’m starting to think you love your garden more than us.
Me: Wow. That’s. Just wow. I mean… *glances back at plants to make sure they’re not listening*
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The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
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They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.