Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
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She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
My 9-year-old beat the system. I asked him what he wanted to be for Halloween and he said fisherman so he got new fishing pants and a fishing vest and a fishing hat. He’s all set up now for one night to trick or treat and a whole year of fishing.
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin