Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at my intervention]

mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet

Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.

Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.

I’ll stop now.

i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.

Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.

Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.

I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.

Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?

Don’t even bother contacting me on the Ouija Board after I die. I barely answer my texts now.

Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.

Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django

Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*

[music store]

me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar

him: sir, that’s a mandolin

If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.

tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible

When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.

[Me watching football on TV]

Oh man this reminds me of high school

Her: you played football in high school?

Me: no, I watched TV

“Recalculating. Recalculating.”

– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back

Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.

Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.

If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.

Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶

Me: “And a million dollars.”

Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶

Me: “And a million dollars.”

Beatles: 🎶All you need is love, love🎶

Me: “Agree to disagree.”

If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.

To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.

How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?

Wives – 3

Men – What?

I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.

Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.

i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us

“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.

Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.

[couples therapy]

Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…

Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…