Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.

My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.

She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.

So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.

Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park

Whenever my daughter asks if I want to hear her dream I tell her to write it down so I can really absorb it later. Follow me for more tips.

There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi

Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.

Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?

Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*

Nick Fury: Holy shit!

I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.

Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card

All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…

Wrote a song and it goes a little something like this… Who put maple syrup on the caaaaat?

An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.

*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*

ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?

Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –

Yeff

God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect

Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha

God *creates asteroids*

Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.

so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip

No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.

I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.

Here, there, and everywhere.

Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.

Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri

Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”

I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.

Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters

-phone call-

Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye

My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.

When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk

Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.

[working at a candle factory, day four]

ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going

Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”

I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.

11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?