Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to

Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!

Wife: Talk to him

Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition

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there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks


Wife: I’m leaving you

Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?


My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.


Apparently it’s frowned upon to wipe sweat from the brow of a sexy guy at the gym

Who knew


me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*

guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you


Me: “I injured myself at the gym”

Buddy: “Too much weight?”

Me: “I guess. I was just trying to lift my Segway onto the treadmill”


Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen


I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie