there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
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Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
Apparently it’s frowned upon to wipe sweat from the brow of a sexy guy at the gym
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
Me: “I injured myself at the gym”
Buddy: “Too much weight?”
Me: “I guess. I was just trying to lift my Segway onto the treadmill”
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie