Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]

I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.

It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”

THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.

She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.

Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.

When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute

My niece is a child psychologist.
For a 12 y/o, her diagnoses are remarkably accurate!

LMAO.

My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.

me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy

I like both candidates but I think we need somebody older

stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before

stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books

me: I wish there were more hours in my day

the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey

m; eew. no. not you.

Staying with my parents, pt. 3:

[4 yo is following my dad around]

Her: Whatcha doin?

Dad: Grabbing things for errands

Her: Whatcha doin now?

Him: Going to the garage

Her: Where you goin now?

Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE

Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.

Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.

[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around

[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second

“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”

if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it

1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*

– Freezer Inspector –

[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]

Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?

(my very first day as President)

Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh

Fun Fact:

Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.

Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.

I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm

I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude

If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.

[campfire]

And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN

[everyone screams in terror]

To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.

The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.

*donates body to science*

Science: “I have a boyfriend”

The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.