KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
You Might Also Like
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
That depressing moment when you start your car to go to work and it doesn’t explode.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*