KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
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Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
Who called it emotional blackmail and not a heart attack?
Door frame: *exists
My shoulder: MUST. RUN. INTO. IT.
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
Saying “my body is a temple” is for people with money. When you’re poor, your body is a car. Like no it’s not supposed to be making that noise.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
Getting ready to go on vacation is just me making sure the house is super clean so that if we get robbed, the robbers can say “they don’t have shit but these countertops are amazing!”
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.