KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
You Might Also Like
I’m ready for Halloween this year
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
You learn something every day
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.