Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.

I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.

It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.

I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.

Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*

Me: what are you-

Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!

Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!

“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.

We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.

“How about Radio Shack?”

Perfect.

Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁

hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it

ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral

i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither

It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.

[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT

DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?

SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute

ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]

My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”

I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.

Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.

I was disappointed to learn today that my request for a six-month leave of absence was rejected. Apparently that’s “not how marriage works.”

this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane

My two-year old twin nephews are the proverbial bundles of energy. And on bath night they’re clean energy.

if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito

The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!

The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.

Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.

What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.

You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.

Me: I really want to go travelling

My bank balance: like…around the house?

Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!

nobody: …

my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.