Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *nauseated from eating too much*

also me: did you say cake?

2024 me decided not to take today as a holiday.

2025 me is pissed off about it.

“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale

*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*

My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.

Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years

I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.

*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*

“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”

My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”

So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.

Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.

We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.

Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.

I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.

Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.

I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.

My son called someone a rascal. I thought he turned 11 a couple weeks ago but clearly it was 80

[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y

The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.

Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn

Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.

People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.

If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.

only kind of dinner drama i approve of

Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird

No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”

May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos

Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-

*looks at the casket suspiciously*

Erwin Schrödinger.”

toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do

You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.

A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine

I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.

ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery