Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?

4: oh, it’s probably mine.

Me: probably?

Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.

shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to

After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.

When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants

[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO

Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.

Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.

me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into

prison guard: no talking after lights out

My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.

Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.

Money is the root of all wealth

*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant

One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.

I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18

*Looking through binoculars

Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.

Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.

RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.

[arriving in hell]

devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*

me: *starts eating*

devil: wait, how?

“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”

– Me, drunk at Target

Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL

* hangs up land-line *

My husband got rid of a big spider from the bedroom window using a pair of boxer shorts the other night. He waved them out of the window to shake the spider off. It was late at night and he wondered if this might be considered a sign for certain people.

I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.

“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”

– Joan of Arc

This is what happens when people grow up without watching Final Destination.

My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder

So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now

I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.