KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
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olympians only bite their medals because they are curious. they are not trying to to eat them. they just use their mouths to investigate objects like sharks
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
Sign of the day..
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
coworker: a little bird told me—
me: —where
coworker: uh
me: i want to talk to the little bird
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
You an Obituary liar.
That means you DEAD@$$ lying
The fall of Netflix
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
Wife and I got each others name tattooed on the other after we got married. Split up and I had it covered with another tattoo. Two years later got back together and I’ve not told her yet, she just thinks I sleep in a hoodie because I’m cold. Have to come clean soon.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Dudes named Chance never had one.