KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
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Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?