Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner

“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*

MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH

When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.

[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick

SHE has the mouth of a sailor…

…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.

Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.

*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*

Me: Yes, “nice.”

Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*

ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE

[First date]

Her: I love to travel.

Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.

My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.

I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.

So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.

Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob bee

Mason bee: just make house
Me: build a way b

Honey bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortment

Bumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*

Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U

My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN

uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied

I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.

[planning vacation]

Alexa, show me extradition treaties

Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????

me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller

her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you

As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.

ME: Hey they’re playing our song.

HER: This isn’t our song.

ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.

Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.

Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.

Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.

Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.

Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow

How to meet a girl:

1) Walk into a bar.

2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”

3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.

genie: you have 3 wishes

cat: i want to go out

genie: ok

cat: and back in again

genie: done

cat: and back out again

genie: ffs

Thankful that my family understands I occasionally need to leave the table because my social battery is running low and also because I have explosive diarrhea