DEODORANT: ugh i hate my job, gotta go in his gross armpit all the time
TOILET PAPER: bro
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
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Cardi B’s full name is Cardiovascular Blockage
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.
“Wow, you’re tall!”
*repeat for infinity*
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
me: [sobbing] the doctor said i’ll never breakdance again
wife: i didn’t know you could breakdance
me: i can’t. jfc are you even listening
My ex got run down by a bus today.
I thought “Wow, that could have been me!”
But I can’t drive a bus.
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.