Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
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To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
The kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were pretty dumb if they couldn’t figure out that their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.