kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
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You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
What an awful time to have common sense.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
Read an interesting statistic this morning: ‘Over 73% of women are deeply unhappy with their sex life.’ I still have no idea how it got laminated and stuck on the fridge door at home though.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Why is it so humiliating when you’re browsing clothes in store and an item falls off the hanger, and when you try and put it back on it’s like you’ve never used a clothes hanger before in your life
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!