Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.

I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.

Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school

[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em

How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?

“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”

other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.

me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT

I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.

For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.

This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.

Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.

If you see a lady in her bikini chasing her hot tub lid on highway 6, I’m not on drugs and you should mind your own business or help me.

[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.

You never say “I love you” back

Tater tots:

Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.

OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha

I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.

Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate

The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it

There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.

Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”

How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.

just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.

Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!

Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??

-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-

[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!

[police lineup]

Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’

Suspect 1: boing boing

Suspect 2: boing boing

Desk lamp: boing boing

Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband

You know who else has a naughty list?

HR

Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.

Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….