Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.

Wrong answers only

Answer: Marriage

She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.

Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No

Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.

My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.

[pirate ship capturing another ship]

Pirate: Prepare to be bored!

Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?

*pirate opens stamp collection*

interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.

me: well, which is it?

Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.

ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”

YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants

Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.

Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.

The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.

WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.

ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.

HER: I hate you.

Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired

My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.

9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night

Me: Hang on, give me a…

7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep

Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.

Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.

No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.

You are a psycho with mascara.

Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.

1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know

One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!

*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*

OMG is bellyache a symptom?!

* on a date snuggling *

Me: Did you enjoy dinner?

Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.

Me: Get your hands off my belly.

[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*

Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)

[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck

DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?

ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?

“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.

Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”

Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”