Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
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job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
Hey guys! Welcome back to my YouTube channel. Today we’re doing an unboxing vido
*walks into a zoo with a pair of bolt cutters*
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
imagine getting destroyed like this
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
Are you there, bankrupt business? It’s me, Spirit Halloween.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door