Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.

Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED

I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.

I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.

Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.

H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?

If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other

[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends

I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.

he’s doing your taxes

[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?

I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”

GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?

[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]

ME: car his keys.

I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.

My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.

In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.

So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.

Him: sex tonight?

Me: Work put me in a bad mood

Him: tomorrow?

Me: I have a headache tomorrow

{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok

Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore

Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not

Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no

girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad

me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own

My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?

I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist

An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.

“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”

Stick with me and you’ll go places.

None of them good, but still.

Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.

“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.

To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri

If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.