Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter

I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.

FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!

ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*

“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.

Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas

How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”

Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.

Might start signing off emails with ‘well I hope you’re happy’

While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.

A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket

[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.

Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.

I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?

I feel it

The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.

[first date]

her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?

me : at our daughter’s piano recital

making sure he doesnt get away

“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.

I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.

me: i need an appointment for tomorrow

receptionist: how about 9

me: no i only need one

The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it

Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.

“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”

Do you have any ‘baes’?

“Please leave”

STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS

I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.

Summer Olympics is just me swimming in sweat and wrestling with my sports bra

This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede

Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something

Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!

Mom: What? Why are you yelling

Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks

Mom: Grandma’s dead hon

Me: That’s why I’m yelling

Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?

[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out

the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed