Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I remember when all this was farmland!

*gestures toward internet*

Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.

59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.

JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT

Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.

I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.

When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”

I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it

gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic

[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were here

Domino’s : we said 30 min or less

Breaking News:

I did 3/16th of a complete push-up

Before countdowns were invented:

*6:30 at Chili’s*

Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?

Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?

Let’s see her walk backward.

Now diagonally.

Cha-cha real smooth.

best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook

“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”

You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store

DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”

“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet

My 11yo got a hold of the grocery app, and apparently we need 50 bags of wings.

I have a midnight snack in the middle of my day, which tells you more than you need to know about my sleep schedule.

…& against the advice of everyone in the drum circle greg unsealed the pack of natural hemp paper & rolled the 7th blunt, summoning the four hippies of the hackey sackolypse

Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”

Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”

When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced

My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.

Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.

[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]

THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?

ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.

Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here

It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old

Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.

10: Mom did you ride a horse and buggy when you were younger?

Me: Go to your room.