Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[watching scary part of movie]

10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed

ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool

Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*

[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that

judge: *banging gavel* guilty

me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?

judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder

Grandma: what’s oversharing?

Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.

[Me at doctor’s office]

[thoroughly removes make up]

Me: Ok, weigh me now

Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.

it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal

WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving

ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change

WIFE: ok you’ve got a week

ME: [crying] a weak what?

wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.

Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!

*pulls up at the vet’s*

Dog: hey, wait a minute…

I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that

I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.

Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?

Sigmund Freud: I fell over

Me: A Freudian slip?

Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass

Me: Is it a bit of a pane?

Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune

Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud

i get that people are lonely but making the cashier in front of me your new bff is holding up the line

Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.

The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.

The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.

deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring

Mind bending shirt from Baltimore Comic Con. My brain hurts.

I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.

-Every girl, ever.

My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.

My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.

“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)

Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj

The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist

My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time

doctor: god you’re unhealthy

me: we haven’t started the check-up

doctor: ya i just found your insta

It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing