Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bartender: What’ll It be?

Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.

ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.

Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.

Me: Absolutely broke.

Advertisers: She’s ready. Target her with the nicest shoes ever.

PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:

When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.

I call it Lip palm.

It’s free.

Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match

If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.

And live by myself.

*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues*

*I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*

‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.

[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did

[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here

[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help

DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”

ME: “I understand.”

DOCTOR: “Exactly.”

*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*

poor people: innuendo

rich people: hoteluendo

My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE

Gods work.

Best sidewalk sandwich board ad I’ve ever seen.

“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.

[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol

I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.

Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total

What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food

my pug got a pup cup today from the starbucks drive thru while safely strapped into his car seat just like his wolf ancestors

Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance

omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺

If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now

Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches

YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am

Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity

Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you

Me: ok

Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory

Me: oh no

IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?

ME: Your guess is as good as mine

I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans

M: Ok I take that back