@Marlebean

Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.

[4:07 am]

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@ObscureGent

If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.

@ShutUpThatsWho

[first date]

OK don’t let her know you’re a snail

Waiter: Would you like some salt?

[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]

@dance_blessed

Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.

@UncleDuke1969

ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.

@Darlainky

Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.

@Mom_Overboard

If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.

@MartaEffing

A hot mess? No, thanks. Sounds sticky and uncomfortable. I prefer my messes like I prefer my revenge: cold and served to someone else.

@Iwriteforcats

Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.

@sloganeerist

People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.