Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
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When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
6. me as a lawyer
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright