kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
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No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
Emojis are fun for when you want to express emotions using disembodied heads.
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
i want enemies
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker