Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out

Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?

God: lol no no no, the hair on their head

Angel: [under breath] i miss satan

[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]

TSA agent: Good evening sir

Me: Nothing

I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.

Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?

Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.

I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.

Me: Do that thing I like

Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]

[at work during the pandemic]

BOSS: omg what the hell

ME: I’m wearing the damn mask

BOSS: why down there though

I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.

I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone

wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse

doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-

*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*

GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!

A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.

If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.

me: do you take walk-ins

morgue: what

PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.

ME: Is it saying anything?

PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…

[Orca Winfrey Show]

ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!

AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*

[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.

I have a magnetic* personality

*Clingy and obsessive.

Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*

this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him

Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.

Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.

PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.

I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.

I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.

ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.

Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.

judge: *banging gavel* guilty

me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?

judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder

Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.

AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses

ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something

Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.

Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.

I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.