Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
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Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
tis the season
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
Free will was a bad idea.
I should have charged for it.
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
I think young people aren’t hooking up as much bc you can watch videos on your phone now anywhere. In my day you had to ask someone to go back to your room to watch a funny video on your laptop. Then you watched all 6 funny videos on YouTube and were like “I guess we could kiss?”
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.