Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

also bring a xylophone to highlight the sound of your exaggerated tiptoes

I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.

“Morning, how was your weekend?”

[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]

Me: ya know you can fly !

I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.

My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.

Now is the winter of our dish content.

Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?

My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.

I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence

I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list

LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry

If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.

I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.

Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest

If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks

Interviewer: strengths?

Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….

Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?

Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??

Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you

[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way

The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..

DOCTOR: You should lose some weight

ME: Ok I’ll consider it

VET: Your dog should lose some weight

ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!

[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this

At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it

I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.

The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less

Lol #dogsoftwitter

i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve

“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*

My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded

[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me*

*Prius spins out of control*

Thug life.