Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
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My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
My funeral better have a fkn merch table
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
imagine being one of those monkeys climbing a tree after living in a cage, bet it blew their little monkey minds
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
it’s so awesome that once a month i’m like “I HAVE to die. this feeling is 100% real and caused by the circumstances of my life” and then the next day I get my period
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
I can’t be the only one 😂
Welcome to the stomach
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off