Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
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Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
Become ungovernable.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
need a SPY 2 where Melissa McCarthy and Jason Statham go undercover as Olympics breakdancers from a made-up country
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.