Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
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My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
Her: How were the joggers I got you for your birthday?
Dracula: Delicious
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town