Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.

I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.

PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?

They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.

Amazon problems:

1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size

My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.

The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.

Scientist 1: I don’t care if you discovered it, we are not naming it THAT
Me: Naming what?
Scientist 2: You know what IT is.
Me: Ohhhh The Hugh Manatee

Scientists start rage screaming

My zodiac sign is pistachio

WIFE: The police are at the front door

ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?

I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.

THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have

Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.

The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.

The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.

there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them

I’m an asshole.

Sent from my Apple Watch

If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.

Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”

PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting

Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER

Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???

Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok

ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain

{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.

Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.

Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore

Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.

My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.